Saying Goodbye to your Best Friend
- Jennifer Misfeldt, MABTR
- May 20
- 7 min read
Written by Abby Whiting, DVM (MABTR Foster since 2009)
Saying goodbye is the absolute hardest part of the human animal relationship. The decision is never easy, even when you know it is the right decision. My husband always says , “The moment you fall in love with those beautiful brown eyes, is the moment you sign a contract for ultimate suffering someday”. I personally find the tremendous joy our four legged family members bring to our lives outweighs the pain, but that does not discount the tremendous pain of saying goodbye.
As a veterinarian, helping families say goodbye is a part of my responsibility more days than not. It is never easy, but being able to give a beloved family member a peaceful and pain free crossing, and to help a family when they need it most is an honor. I personally am very blessed that I do not participate in humane euthanasia unless I medically and morally agree this is best for the family and the pet. I look at this decision as the last gift we will ever give for all the love they brought to us. It is not ending their life, but in reality ending their death. For my patients are usually suffering with end of life conditions; so when we make this decision it helps end what mother nature has already started…and we can do so in a painfree, peaceful, and controlled manner. This allows the family to be present and to see to it there is no undue suffering. Mother nature’s own design is hers, and has its own beauty, but it is rarely painfree and peaceful.
As a vet this is not easy, even though it is a part of the job. It is not why we stay up late studying, and push ourselves through veterinary school, but it remains a beautiful honor. The toll this can take is real, as most of us love pets and love people. As a practicing veterinarian I may be asked to help a family on their hardest day and then almost immediately be asked to greet a family excited with their new adoption. Feeling the strong need to be there for each family in the capacity they need, drives us to compartmentalize our emotions and often save the saying of goodbye and grieving we need to do for later.
There are many reasons a family and their veterinarian may elect for humane euthanasia. In many cases this pet is already on his natural journey towards the end of his life and we are easing that journey, or the pet has a condition causing pain that cannot be mitigated and suffering cannot be eased, or in rare cases the pet has a serious psychological condition that cannot be treated. These are cases of aggression potentially, or unpredictable dangerous behavior that puts both the dog and humans at risk. In these cases this too is suffering and pain: the brain is suffering with such severe fear/ anxiety that it lives within a prison of aggression and fear. Making this decision is not easy and is never a black and white decision: but it can be freedom from suffering. The alternative may be living in confinement, or being allowed to cause harm…and that’s no life at all. Here within MABTR this decision (based on behavior) is extremely rare and taken with great pause and consideration. This decision is usually only reached once everything else has been explored. This usually is a group decision: often Jennifer, the foster, the vet attending the dog, and often others. Know that these folks take this very seriously, and deserve our love and support.
This hard decision is not only what is best for the individual dog we are caring for, but our rescue. Adopting a known dangerous dog can put us at risk of legal issues, and it means we knowingly are putting families at risk.
When it's time to say goodbye:
I don’t like surprises so let me explain the process for those of you who have yet to experience
this in the hopes this provides you some preparation and comfort.
When this decision can be planned we have options. Many families feel best with their own
veterinarian, someone they know who also knows their pet. Some families elect for an at home
procedure by a traveling hospice provider, while others prefer not to have very sad memories in
their home and elect for an in clinic or in hospice care center procedure. Some families find this
decision presents itself on emergency: in which case every emergency and urgent care
veterinary facility is prepared to help families in this capacity when needed.
Every veterinary care provider approaches this procedure a little differently based on their
experience.
Many will consult with you and answer questions.
They then will go over the legal paperwork. This is a legal consent form you will sign that confirms you are electing for end of life care.
They will discuss care of remains at this time. Many families elect to get private cremation. This is a process where your individual pet is cremated and their ashes are collected and returned to you. Some people then spread or bury the ashes at home, or under a tree or flower, others keep them in an urn, still others may send some of the ashes off to specialty glass makers to have a bead or other jewelery made. Other families feel that pictures and memories are all they need to take with them. In this case the crematory will often do a group cremation : where several pets are cremated
together and ashes are often then added to fertilizer to place in fields and return to the Earth.
Many providers will then place an IV : this allows us to administer medication easily and
without additional needle sticks or pokes. This also allows family members to cradle, hold, or cuddle their pet during the procedure if they wish. Once the family is as ready as they will ever be: That IV is flushed with a Saline solution to guarantee its working, and then the pet is given a heavy sedative. They drift into a dream-like state : a plane of anesthesia similar to that required for pain free surgery. Their eyes often do not close, as they don’t close under anesthesia either, but they are pain free, dreaming. At this stage I like to imagine them dreaming of a bright sun spot, eating a bacon double cheeseburger, or chasing a ball. Some families elect to kiss them on the head and step out: we understand this and that is absolutely fine. If they are still eating and hungry they can even fall asleep eating ( I often use hershey kisses or Rotisserie chicken) . The next injection is an overdose of an anesthetic. It is usually bright pink or very bright blue.
This injection stops the heart and brain activity and works very rapidly. It is very peaceful for the pet but excruciatingly hard for the people who love them. The pet’s eyes often do not close. The care provider will listen to the heart and confirm they have passed.
Others may elect for an intra muscular injection of a sedative. In these cases the
injection is given, and pet and family are given some visit time as the medications slowly
cause complete sedation usually within 5-10 min. Once they are all the way under
sedation: no longer aware of their surroundings, not in pain, the last injection is given.
Families are then invited to have a few minutes to say their final goodbyes/ pay their
respects. We give you their collar, harness, personal effects and make an ink or clay paw print if you wish.
For families who elect private cremation: it usually takes 7-10 days for the processing.
Usually the pet’s ashes are returned to the vet and we will call you for pick up and the final ride “home” .
Many well meaning folks in rescue and pet care have very strong opinions as to whether a family should be present for the actual procedure. I can tell you - this is a very personal decision and there is no right or wrong. There is only what feels the least terrible to the humans who must continue on after. Some people feel some peace at being present to “see their loved one over to the other side", while others prefer the wiggling tail and wet kisses as their lasting memory or image they carry in their hearts forever. I personally feel we should support each individual in whatever their decision may be. We must stop the shaming and judgement for people who feel they cannot be present. I often wonder how much death/ grief we should ask the human heart and mind to endure. While I must be there and I must endure the psychological effects of the actual goodbye: the family has choices and I support them no
matter what feels “best” in this hardest of moments. We all grieve differently.
As a care provider it is my job to ensure the pet has the most peaceful and pain free passing as possible, and to guide the human family through this decision and their own grief. For it is we who must live on with the pain and loss. This is an important part of the job, but it is not what
we are specifically trained for.
There are pet loss grief resources including
Tufts University Veterinary School Pet loss Support line: 508-839-7966
Cornell University Veterinary School 607-218-7457
Pet Loss Resources and Support | Cornell University College of
Veterinary Medicine
Denver Human Animal bond trust
Pet Loss Support Group - Human Animal Bond Trust
Helping a child through pet loss:
I hope this blog helps some of you and in some small way it eases your pain.
With Much love,
Dr. Abby DVM
MABTR Foster and lover of all Things Boston Terrier.